001. z & g

z
Three things: There was something I wanted to tell her, there was something I didn’t want to tell her, and there was something I couldn’t tell her.
I wanted to tell her that she was the most beautiful girl to me. Her smile, the sweetest. Her hugs, the warmest.
I didn’t want to tell her about the rose I am desperately trying to keep alive in my locker. I carried all my textbooks and whatever trash I used to store in there for the whole day just so the rose can have its space to breathe. So that it can stay alive a little bit longer until I can tell her the things I wanted to say.
I couldn’t tell her I was afraid. I wanted to promise her the world, that I’d guarantee her happiness, that no one will hurt her. I wanted to promise her my life, but I only have one rose and some made-up words.
I wanted to promise her one special night.
She was just with her friends. She walked over to say hi and asked me what’s up.
What’s up was my heart about to burst because of the things I wanted and couldn’t say. But I kept my cool. I’m a cool guy, sure.
I nodded at the right times, said some words, and paused. I try my best to get it together, but there are moments when she makes me feel like I could be better, that I would want to be better.
I wish I could promise her everything. But best I can do at the moment was a secret promise: to keep that rose alive in my locker until 2 PM.
g.
I saw him and walked over. It was always like that, like there’s a magnet that kept me wanting to be close to him.
I asked him what was his plans for the pep rally. He said he wasn’t sure whether to go or not. I shrugged it off.
There are moments when I want to tell him everything, every single feeling I have for him, but something always holds me back. Fear, or something. I’m also not good with words.
So I have two defence mechanisms: the shrug and funny gibberish sounds that guaranteed a smile on his face at least.
It was difficult, but I walked away. I had to. Or else, I would have hugged him in front of everyone. Sometimes I just know when he is trying to hide his heart.
I went to the pep rally with my friends. My feelings confused me a lot, it’s frustrating. Given the choice, I’d be with him. But I also know that most of the time, that’s not on me.
And I learned the hard way that sometimes you don’t always get what you want.
So I try my best not to want so much.
z.
I knew it. I couldn’t even promise her one night, so how can I promise my entire life? Her happiness?
The words I’ve prepared, words I’ve saved only for her, were useless at this point.
I was trying my best to hide, but she saw me.
Game over.
g.
What was he doing here?
And why does it look like someone broke his heart?
I have it, don’t I?
And I promised not to break it.
z.
hey.
g.
hey.
z.
I’m sorry for everything I couldn’t do. But here’s… a rose. For you.
g.
What’s it for?
z.
It’s for the dream of a dance I would like to dance with you.
Just with you.
Only with you.
g.
Come here.
z.
How is your hug so warm?
g.
I don’t know.
But, hey listen, your dream is enough.
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wonderful is love

I think love is wonderful:
like knowing you have more time to sleep
and having not to worry that you’ll be late; or
that you’ll be late and it’s okay
because at the end of the day
my arm will sleep next to your arm
and your face will be next to my face
we’ll be so close;

so close
that when my dream ends
yours begin
and mine does too,
again and again.

***

“Hey, wake up. It’s time to go.”

I murmur an incoherent “okay” and then back to my dream.

I hear a switch turn on or maybe off. My eyes, still closed.

Then I felt two arms envelop me like a blanket, warm as if fresh from the laundry.

that kind of dream

You know that kind of dream that you forget right away? As soon as you wake up, the dream dissolves into a puddle of mud so murky, and it evaporates into million little dusts you know you can touch but cannot feel and they just disappear. You know they are there–dancing around you (tauntingly, mockingly, perhaps) but you cannot see.  It is achingly frustrating.  And you go on your day knowing you are surrounded by something you want but cannot remember what when and where.

You know that kind of dream?

Yes?

You do?

Well, you’re that kind of dream.

(I want to remember you,

please remember me.)